Rules to Being A Good Housewife

(1950’s magazine article) -with commentary by Laura

1. Have dinner ready. Always plan ahead, even if you must plan ahead the day before, to have an amazing meal ready for him when he returns home. This is your way of showing him that you have been thinking about him and that you are concerned about him. Men are always hungry, so be prepared to cook often.
   So that’s a no to sharing the cooking.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 20 minutes to make yourself look beautiful and feel refreshed when he arrives home. He has been looking at ugly people all day, so try and make yourself look nice.
   I just love the bit about the ugly people. Classic.
3. Groom the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children and make sure they look proper. If needed, change their clothing. They are special to him, so make sure they look the part.
   Of course, if your children are covered in dinner with snot spurting out both nostrils, they will no longer be special to him and must be adopted out/ burnt at the stake.
4. Be happy and interesting for him. His boring day will need a lift and it is your duty to provide this.
   Too bad if he likes his job and has a boring wife. This’ll never happen.
5. Listen to him. You might have a ton of really important things to tell him, but when he first arrives home, this is not the time. Let him talk first, his topics of conversation are always more important than yours.
   Of course, my mistake. (My second favourite one.)
6. Make him comfortable. Have him relax in a chair or allow him to lie down in bed.
   That’s right – allow. He MUST ask you for permission before going anywhere near the bed you have spent several hours making that morning.
7. Serve him his favourite drink. Always have mass amounts of his favourite alcoholic beverage when he gets home. Serve it to him with ice.
   Too bad if he doesn’t like ice. Also, get off your butt and get your own alcoholic beverage (with ice) yourself, you lazy bum.
8. Arrange his bed and offer to remove his clothes. Speak in a low, soothing voice.
   Can’t type. Too busy laughing.
9. And now for number one!! Drum roll please!

Yes, I am serious. Bash your hands against the computer desk already.

Thank you.

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and will exercise his will with truthfullness and fairness. You have no right to question him.

Thank God for feminism.